Yellow Polkadot Bikinis

Beyonce is going to the beach tomorrow. This in itself is not a startling piece of news, but the fact that she decided to get a bright pink bikini is.  Beyonce is not a slight woman. Her physical being very well matches her attitude.  I've seen her hip-check 300lb Justin a few feet, much to his surprise. 


As Meemaw never wants to be left out of anything, she immediately called out, "I wanna go to da beach too! Where is dat UGLY lil man?!" to which Chef Cesar replied, "I'm in the office." 


Meemaw then stormed into the office and proceeded to demand to have tomorrow off so she could accompany Beyonce to the beach to "shake her groove thang."


Seeing as Hawaiians are much better at hula dancing than confrontation, Cesar agreed to let Meemaw have the day off. 


"Meemaw, what da HELL you gun do at da BEACH?!"  Beyonce was clearly having as much issue picturing Meemaw at the beach as I was... 


I spent much of the day trying really hard not to giggle every time I thought of how many inner-tubes it would take to keep Meemaw afloat.


"I gun get me one a dem yella polkey-dot bikiners! Sept dey prolly don make em in my full-figured WOMAN size... I'll jus have ta stretch out a smaller one." -good lord, please no- "Dem polkey-dots gun look like golf balls by da time I done wit em!"


I was extremely relieved when Irma walked into the bakeshop and scoffed, "Meemaw, you aren't gonna wear a bikini, you never wear anything but long pants."


"Well I gunna affer I win da Biggest Loser!  Deys gun even up da prize money cause da weight is just gun FALL OFF!  I gun be da SHIT round here and I aint gun wear no more pants! 


I gun get me some CA-PRIS!!"

The Foreigners

Apparently if you're the head of advertising for L'Auberge Casino, your birthday party is much more than just some candles and a balloon. I did the dessert this evening for a plated dinner for Kirk Williams and his 700 closest friends... 

Who has 700 people they would consider "close friends"?! I guarantee half the people in attendance tonight have no idea whose birthday they were celebrating. 

It was a huge birthday bash, complete with tuxedoed waiters, a huge plastic birthday cake, hundreds of balloons, 4 different fully stocked bars, and a concert by Foreigner.

They also had an extensive collection of Ladies of L'Auberge.

The Ladies of L'Auberge work at the casino, either on the casino floor or at the pool.  They wear short, low-cut dresses, have monthly weigh-ins, and are hired (in theory) to bring drinks. In reality, they are around to remind people that they like looking at pretty girls.  They're glorified Hooters Girls, and are definitely not hired for their cognitive abilities. 

That being said, I love the LOL Girls. Making fun of them is one of my favorite pass-times.   I desperately wish I was one of them, solely so I could laugh from inside their ranks.  I love when they talk. It's always a thrilling experience, and tonight was no different. 

I had just finished serving dessert and was starting to clean up backstage when Foreigner started playing. I was stacking empty sheet pans and wiping up melted chocolate when an LOL sauntered up to where I was working. It was very strange to get one on it's own, usually they travel in packs.  She seemed flustered, and I asked if she was okay.

"I'm just like upset at how like rude L'Auberge is being!" 

I asked what she meant, and was astounded by the answer...

"I just like can't believe this whole Foreigner concert! They should like call it like the Asian concert or something! I mean like it's just so like rude for them to keep like calling them FOREIGNERS!!"

"I see..." It took me a minute to realize she was serious... I then advised her to tell her concerns to as many people as possible.  I mean, I wouldn't want the Asians to continue to be harassed because she didn't speak her mind... :)

Roadtrippin

In the recent swell of cannibalism and facial dieting happening in this neck of the woods, many people are coming up with their own safety plans. Of course, none of them will compare to camping out in Sam's Club... Nobody is really going anywhere as of yet (however I wouldn't doubt that canned food and bottled water sales have gone up,) but people are making comments about similarities between a hurricane evacuation and a zombie apocalypse evacuation. 


I honestly don't know if the people of Louisiana would be able to figure it out. 


I feel like if there was a mass freak out and zombies were to just start roaming Bourbon Street, the population wouldn't make it very far. 

Where exactly are you going on 1.025gallons of gas?! I'm pretty sure a zombie would be able to walk that far! You might as well spend that $3.23 on a gatorade and bike your way to safety! Maybe while you're biking you'll find a really big stick and be able to use it to beat away the zombies that are rapidly closing in from all sides. 


Then again, maybe not.

New Life Goals

The mega-nerds of the world are rejoicing, as they are finally able to say "I told you so."  The zombie apocalypse has arrived. 


In the past few weeks, some people in Miami have decided to create a new drug, something about bathsalts? It sounds very relaxing, but be warned, it will change your appetite drastically. This new drug is messing with people's brains and turning them into cannibals.  People have been chewing off their friends' faces, mothers have been eating their children, and teenagers have been chompin on the homeless men living around the corner. There have been multiple reports of this zombie-like behavior resulting from the drugs, including two in Miami, one in South Dakota, and most recently, one in good ol Lake Charles, Louisiana. 


In general, I would appreciate it if my friends did not eat my face, and therefore I have come up with a plan. 


I am taking my non-bathsalted friends and we are going to barricade ourselves in Sam's Club.  We will have food, beds, entertainment, George Foreman grills... everything we need to stay alive for years.  There are also only two doors into the Lake Charles Sam's Club, and both are bulletproof.  In case there is any chance of a zombie security breach into our lair, southern Sam's Club's also sell guns and ammo. We are all set. 


If there is ever a time that it is safe to emerge from Sam's Club, I have decided to drop out of culinary school.  Everyone will be eating other people, and therefore chefs would be obsolete. I have decided to become a mortician instead. There will be plenty of chewed up dead bodies lyin around, and the industry will be booming. 


Sami's Mortuary, you stab em we slab em.

Chicken Fried

"You eat squirrel baby?"


"Excuse me?"  I figured I had misheard Mr. Sam when he walked into the bakeshop asking me if I frequently indulge in woodland creatures.  It could have been the old black man's strong accent or the three loud mixers going that had caused me to believe Mr. Sam had said something more normal. Or it could potentially have been the fact that it was 3AM, I had been alone in the bakeshop all night, my ipod had died 2 hours previous, and I was starting to argue with the ovens, but whatever the reason, I asked Mr. Sam to repeat himself. Which he gladly did.


"I say you eat squirrel?"


Apparently I was not mistaken. The man did actually ask me if I eat tree-rats. 


"Ummm, no?"


"Aww das too bad. Dey's gooooood!"  Apparently Mr. Sam's wife had made squirrel for dinner. I didn't ask where she obtained the squirrel, and he didn't offer the information. I figured it's probably better that I didn't know. 


Evidentially people in Southwest Louisiana frequently eat squirrel. There are many ways in which to deliciously prepare the southern delicacy, including but not limited to: 


Fried
Stewed
Baked 
Boiled


I now have various recipes for squirrel should anyone want them. They are also all good with various different proteins.  Turtle works well boiled and stewed. Bats have very little meat, and are "tricky lil buggers", but are delicious when fried. Rabbit is great baked into chicken tender type objects. Etc. 


Now, I can't help but think of Mr. Sam whenever I see a cute lil fluffy squirrel tail flying between the leaves of the giant mossy oaks outside. Or a less cute, less fluffy squirrel tail  lying flattened on the side of the road...


I told myself I would branch out in my culinary endeavors while living down here. 
I didn't think that'd be so literal.

The Slow Life

"Why speed? It just makes you get there faster."


I love the south.

Housekeeping's Revenge

American Idol has hit Lake Charles.


One of the final three contestants currently fighting to win American Idol is from nowhere but Lake Charles, Louisiana, home to L'Auberge casino and pretty much nothing else.  This small town has been completely shutting down every Tuesday and Wednesday nights to watch Joshua Ledet sing on tv.  There are cars with window paint cheering for Josh, flags have been raised with his face on them, every company sign and billboard in town is announcing their devotion. 


When the American Idol season reaches the Final 3, each judge picks one contestant with whom they go back to their hometown for a few days. Lake Charles fairly exploded when it was announced Josh made the Final 3, and he and Jennifer Lopez would be coming back for a few days.  There was a pep rally for Josh, a parade at which they threw beads in true Louisiana fashion, and a concert for the name nobody knew 3 months ago.


I walked into work today to find Chef Cesar attempting to make a sugar showpiece and throwing a hissy fit. He was stomping around and growling about how the humidity of Southwest Louisiana was his nemesis. Chef Bill usually does all of the showpieces, but seeing as he was out of town, and American Idol was IN town, it was up to Cesar.  The piece was to be an amenity in the villa that would be given to either Josh or J-Lo "in secret". Evidentially L'Auberge and American Idol didn't think anyone would be able to guess that they were going to be staying at L'Auberge instead of the Microtel...


After a few hours of his piece falling over and breaking in various places, Cesar finally called Justin and I over to help him take his extremely fragile 3 piece centerpiece across the busy casino to the room that would be housing the biggest thing to come out of this town since they started drilling oil. 


Guess which part I was trusted to carry...

I was a tad bitter until the metal stand hit the ground...

We found out later that the showpiece was put in J-Lo's room.  Evidentially when Jennifer Lopez walked into the casino this morning, she told the woman that showed her to her room not to even look at her. Rude much?? Maybe she should learn to not be so rude to the people who change her sheets and bring her clean towels.