In the past few weeks, some people in Miami have decided to create a new drug, something about bathsalts? It sounds very relaxing, but be warned, it will change your appetite drastically. This new drug is messing with people's brains and turning them into cannibals. People have been chewing off their friends' faces, mothers have been eating their children, and teenagers have been chompin on the homeless men living around the corner. There have been multiple reports of this zombie-like behavior resulting from the drugs, including two in Miami, one in South Dakota, and most recently, one in good ol Lake Charles, Louisiana.
In general, I would appreciate it if my friends did not eat my face, and therefore I have come up with a plan.
I am taking my non-bathsalted friends and we are going to barricade ourselves in Sam's Club. We will have food, beds, entertainment, George Foreman grills... everything we need to stay alive for years. There are also only two doors into the Lake Charles Sam's Club, and both are bulletproof. In case there is any chance of a zombie security breach into our lair, southern Sam's Club's also sell guns and ammo. We are all set.
If there is ever a time that it is safe to emerge from Sam's Club, I have decided to drop out of culinary school. Everyone will be eating other people, and therefore chefs would be obsolete. I have decided to become a mortician instead. There will be plenty of chewed up dead bodies lyin around, and the industry will be booming.
Sami's Mortuary, you stab em we slab em.
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